i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
