Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
