Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
