She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Every concussion has its silver lining
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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