There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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