she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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