just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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