That's intense
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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