I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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