i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
