It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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