I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
