you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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