i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
