since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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