hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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