How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
