I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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