her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
