my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
