i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
