who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
