I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize