youre lurking in front of me
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
