LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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