Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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