So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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