My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
