Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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