Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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