my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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