On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
