Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
