My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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