the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
