How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just had sex bonerless
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
