the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
