I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
