something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
