The maid of honor just puked.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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