the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize