Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
