this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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