3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
