I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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