Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
