I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
