sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
