You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
