Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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