I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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