i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
