i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
