I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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