You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
